Wednesday, January 18, 2012


I am a blessed woman!

Good morning loved ones,
Tomorrow is the second treatment with the new meds known as FAC. It is a combination of three drugs, Fluoraouracil, Adriamycin (aka the Red Devil) and C for Cytoxan. I also get a baggie of steroids and one with medication to keep my tummy sane.  The first treatment caused what felt like a little morning sickness.  I asked Dr. Sehgal if the second treatment would be more difficult. He refused to tell me insinuating that I might convince myself to have the side effects that he might describe. I informed the good doctor that I planned to NOT have any ill effects from the treatment. He likes to pick on me and I respond well to good humored “abuse.”
I was so pleased to still have my hair at my doctor appointment last week. It seemed shortly after bragging to Dr. Sehgal, my hair began to come out in small clumps.  I postponed the inevitable hoping the thinning would stop.  On Tuesday, the hair just kept coming out and not just when I tugged at it but it filled my brush every time I ran it through my hair. I really didn’t expect this event to bother me. I have been buying caps and scarves for just this moment. But as I looked at the pile of hair in the trash can, I cried. I felt completely helpless. I felt like I was completely at the mercy of cancer.  What else was this disease going to take from me? I so want to travel with my husband and grow older with him. I want to see my grandchildren graduate from high school. Well, that panicky runaway train of thought was careening toward the proverbial cliff but I pulled the cord and ended that useless path.  Oh poor, poor me!! That ride lasted about thirty minutes.
I prepared a nice dinner for Mike. After dinner, I manned the clippers and at his request, sheared off Mike’s long silver hair.  We ended up with the number two comb for the clippers. Mike chose to be first so that I could decide how short I wanted my hair. Then it was my turn, bring on the number two comb! As my hair fell to the floor, I thought, “Take that cancer! “  It felt so good to be free of my rootless mane!
Mike finished the clipping. He looked at me. He looked at my head. The expression in his eyes agreed with his choice of words when complimenting me on my new look except that his eyes used breathtaking adjectives.  I am a blessed woman.
I showered and applied a few cosmetics. We then took pictures of our bare heads and texted them.  All of our responses were very positive. I am a blessed woman.
You are the reason that Mike and I are not just enduring this disease but we are thriving in the light of your love and prayers. Thank you from us both.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Some of the Positive amd the Negative

Good morning all. I was discussing with someone very special to me. Someone comfortable with asking questions about my dealings with this cancer that has invaded my body which in turn invades the  lives of those I love and who love me.   I was telling her that I haven’t blogged because my sense of humor and good attitude is not always the mood I can easily access. But then I asked her if that was fair to someone else who might be going through the very same things I am. Would I make them feel better by only being up and funny all the time? Would they think less of themselves because they didn’t have such a good attitude about their experience? She said I should blog it all. So here goes.

Disclaimer                                                                                                                                                                 There will be days where I will not feel like typing. So if I blog on those days there may or there WILL be grammatical errors. I won’t feel like doing corrections and won’t care.  Words may not be capitalized, the ‘may be missing, there may be a. where there should be a ?. Please just read like we were having a conversation. 

The Positive, so far.

This disease has definitely improved my relationship with my Maker. My prayer life is more focused and not just for myself but for others as well.  My list of thanksgivings is so very long.  My relationship with Mike is amazing and with the diagnosis of my cancer we are even closer. We never take each other for granted and we never have. I love that man so very much. We are so much a part of each other. Ok, ok enough mushy stuff.  My family! My family is good medicine. Each one  is a dose of something special and much needed. All of you amaze me. I know I am loved but I guess I didn’t realize how many and how much. I have so many people loving and praying for me.  I know that is more powerful than any medicine or surgery that I receive.  Thank you all so very much. The prayers, the love, the cards, emails, posts on Facebook, letters, etc., just amazing.  Of course my doctors, with your prayers for them and me, seem to be making decisions that are especially right for my cancer and its personality.  I know there is much, much more, but for today I will end with one more item on my list of the positive, my medi-port. It was surgically implanted just below my right shoulder. We place a dollop of numbing cream about an hour before treatment. When the time comes, my oncology nurse tells me to take a deep breath and then she inserts a huge needle into the center of this device. Nothing! I feel nothing!! Hooray!  I see the nurses attempt to start the IV’s the usual way, and they have trouble and the patient hurts.  I am most grateful to not have to do that for every treatment.  

The Negative, so far,

Having cancer sucks!! The oncology nurses wear tee shirts that say the very same thing.  When I am not grateful for having the medi-port, it is a reminder that no matter how well I feel, I have cancer. I see a circle shaped lump under my skin, I touch the lump and sometimes, not all the, but sometimes I get really scared. Or I get really angry. Or I just cry. In Bishop we always leave on the light in the bathroom, we have always done that so the kids could find their way. Here in the apartment we didn’t do that. But since my diagnosis I am very uncomfortable in complete darkness. I don’t know why but fear sets in. Debbie sent me this: Never fear in the darkness what you believe in the light. So I am working on that. But that is just a little bump in this walk of mine.  Of course side effects from treatment are not pleasant but have not been too bad. I do still have my hair oops, that should be a positive.

I am going to go for now because the weather here in Duckville is getting stormy. And I am going to sit outside and enjoy it. I wish Mike was here, we love storms. Have a good week everyone. I love you and thank you for your love and prayers. I could NOT do this without each of you.
Later, I will send update on the treatment details. For now, I will tell you that I have graduated from
Taxol to FAC, which is a combination of three drugs. It was predicted that my hair would turn loose this week. I guess we will soon see.
Comments gratefully accepted.