Thursday, April 16, 2015

Anniversary Season

I am in a season of anniversaries. April 19th; first date 45 years ago, May 20th; marriage 43 years ago, May 29th; Beth's death 1 year ago, June 21st; Beth would have been 63.

I am struggling.

I miss her so much I cannot describe my feelings.

Today the daily Bible Study I subscribe to was:

25 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. 26 Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, 27 dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. 28 And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. 29 No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, 30 since we are part of his body. 31 And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” 32 This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. 33 And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.
Ephesians 5:25-33 | MSG

Ephesians was us.....I, part of her, she, part of me.

Yesterday's Daily Grief message was:

Living God, I want to serve You, not myself. I am only making things worse by focusing on my loss, which in reality is focusing on myself. I confess my self-preoccupation, and I ask that You forgive me and deliver me from my sinful habits. Amen.

So how do I get from "Ephesians 5" to "Don't be preoccupied with my loss"? She was part of me and I part of her!  She permeated every aspect of my life and anything I do reminds me of her. Anything.

Today I got mail. New auto insurance ID cards with her name removed. She is slowly being erased from the world, but she is a still part of me, so each reminder is like a new slice of flesh being removed from me.

In every difficult thing I have had to endure in my life, I had a partner that stood by me, holding my hand and walking beside me. Christ's love through the woman he gave to me as wife.

So how do I get from "Ephesians 5" to "Don't be preoccupied with my loss"? In this season of anniversaries, even the busyness doesn't help. God will bring me out in His time, but right now the well is deep and I am tired.