Holidays

Dealing with the Christmas season was much prepared for. For several weeks I read material and discussed with counselors about how to manage the first Christmas without Beth. When it was here, my amazing family and the joy of all the grandchildren, nieces and nephews carried me through all. Christmas is, after all, about the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ and that is bigger than anything. 

New Years caught me off-guard. I have never thought of it as a major event. Just the day when you have to remember to start writing the incremented year on everything, which takes me a month to accomplish.  As I was waiting for the clock to hit midnight, I started thinking about how intimate the holiday was for Beth and I.  We were not ones that would usually party through midnight, not to say we haven't in our younger days. When the clock hit midnight, we would kiss.  She would say "Whatever you are doing at midnight is what you will be doing the rest of the year".  So we made sure we always kissed at midnight. No matter what revelry was around us, we found each other, just her eyes and mine, just her lips and mine.  So last night, for the first time in 44 years, since my first New Years Eve kiss when we were dating, I didn't get that kiss from my beautiful Beth. I sure missed it. We had no quiet conversations about the beginning of the new year and what adventures it might hold for us.

I had not prepared for New Years. It affected me more than I had expected. All worried about Christmas, I ignored New Years. Grief is hard to prepare for anyway, the least thing can set you off.  I have given it all to God, but it sneaks up on you and whacks you hard sometimes. When it hits, I pray for strength to get through. But I sure miss her. Does getting through the grieving process mean that the sound of her laugh, the smell of her hair and the taste of her lips, fade from my mind? I don't want to.

For the past few days, all my daily email devotionals have been about waiting on God.  Be patient, wait on God. That is my plan for the new year. "Be still, and know that I am God".  He knows that there will be times when I will fall apart. I don't have any idea how I can keep all my memories and not come apart, but he does and I will wait on him to show me.

Good night my sweet Beth,
I really missed my New Year's kiss.

Pappy.

Because of her.

Because of her
I learned.
I had her
Because of Him

Because of her
I soared.
I had her
Because of Him

Because of her
I loved.
I had her
Because of Him

Because of her
I was loved.
I had her
Because of Him

Because of Him
I had life.
I lived fully
Because of her.

Good night my sweet Beth, I love you forever.

Pappy

The Chore

As I wander through our house
I continuously say goodbyes,
because of sleep that I resist
but finally closes my eyes.

I review our things collected,
our life in all its glory.
The love we built and cherished
is every item's story.

The clock announces lateness
with each and every chime.
Sleep will finally come,
no matter how I fight the time.

Our bed does not beckon,
but my body says no more.
So I finally succumb
and set out to this chore.

The pillow right beside me,
that replaced you in our bed,
is not of any comfort.
It's lifeless; cold and dead.

I slowly drift away,
much to my disdain.
Tomorrow's dawn is coming
and it will all begin again.


Good Night my sweet Beth. I miss you so much.

All my love, Pappy