Some of the Positive amd the Negative

Good morning all. I was discussing with someone very special to me. Someone comfortable with asking questions about my dealings with this cancer that has invaded my body which in turn invades the  lives of those I love and who love me.   I was telling her that I haven’t blogged because my sense of humor and good attitude is not always the mood I can easily access. But then I asked her if that was fair to someone else who might be going through the very same things I am. Would I make them feel better by only being up and funny all the time? Would they think less of themselves because they didn’t have such a good attitude about their experience? She said I should blog it all. So here goes.

Disclaimer                                                                                                                                                                 There will be days where I will not feel like typing. So if I blog on those days there may or there WILL be grammatical errors. I won’t feel like doing corrections and won’t care.  Words may not be capitalized, the ‘may be missing, there may be a. where there should be a ?. Please just read like we were having a conversation. 

The Positive, so far.

This disease has definitely improved my relationship with my Maker. My prayer life is more focused and not just for myself but for others as well.  My list of thanksgivings is so very long.  My relationship with Mike is amazing and with the diagnosis of my cancer we are even closer. We never take each other for granted and we never have. I love that man so very much. We are so much a part of each other. Ok, ok enough mushy stuff.  My family! My family is good medicine. Each one  is a dose of something special and much needed. All of you amaze me. I know I am loved but I guess I didn’t realize how many and how much. I have so many people loving and praying for me.  I know that is more powerful than any medicine or surgery that I receive.  Thank you all so very much. The prayers, the love, the cards, emails, posts on Facebook, letters, etc., just amazing.  Of course my doctors, with your prayers for them and me, seem to be making decisions that are especially right for my cancer and its personality.  I know there is much, much more, but for today I will end with one more item on my list of the positive, my medi-port. It was surgically implanted just below my right shoulder. We place a dollop of numbing cream about an hour before treatment. When the time comes, my oncology nurse tells me to take a deep breath and then she inserts a huge needle into the center of this device. Nothing! I feel nothing!! Hooray!  I see the nurses attempt to start the IV’s the usual way, and they have trouble and the patient hurts.  I am most grateful to not have to do that for every treatment.  

The Negative, so far,

Having cancer sucks!! The oncology nurses wear tee shirts that say the very same thing.  When I am not grateful for having the medi-port, it is a reminder that no matter how well I feel, I have cancer. I see a circle shaped lump under my skin, I touch the lump and sometimes, not all the, but sometimes I get really scared. Or I get really angry. Or I just cry. In Bishop we always leave on the light in the bathroom, we have always done that so the kids could find their way. Here in the apartment we didn’t do that. But since my diagnosis I am very uncomfortable in complete darkness. I don’t know why but fear sets in. Debbie sent me this: Never fear in the darkness what you believe in the light. So I am working on that. But that is just a little bump in this walk of mine.  Of course side effects from treatment are not pleasant but have not been too bad. I do still have my hair oops, that should be a positive.

I am going to go for now because the weather here in Duckville is getting stormy. And I am going to sit outside and enjoy it. I wish Mike was here, we love storms. Have a good week everyone. I love you and thank you for your love and prayers. I could NOT do this without each of you.

Later, I will send update on the treatment details. For now, I will tell you that I have graduated from
Taxol to FAC, which is a combination of three drugs. It was predicted that my hair would turn loose this week. I guess we will soon see.

Comments gratefully accepted.

Third treatment.

Good morning all.  Yesterday was my third chemo treatment. Mike waited until my ziploc of liquid benedryl had been administered to start a scrabble game (thank you Jenny). He beat me sooo bad! I did not get my bone scan results, hopefully next Friday. I have learned not to call because my doctor does not like to consult over the phone. My chemo went well and only took about 1 1/2 hours. There was one familiar face in the crowd that I remembered from the week before. There are way too many people getting chemo. Cancer does not discriminate. It does not care if you are alone or if you have someone to share the journey. I am blessed, I have my bestest friend by my side at all times. And I have so many people praying and loving me so strongly that we can allow humor back into our repertoire.  Today is the big wedding, Clay is marrying Taelyr! I was prepared to wear a hat or scarf but I still have all of my hair!  Now I have to figure out what to do with it.  Yes, Debbie, my outfit will include pantyhose and thank you for the offer but don't think I will need to hire a crew to help get me in them. I know some of you may be wondering if, when you see me in public will you recognize me because of the way cancer/chemo ravages the body. Yes!! I bet I am the only one who gains four pounds the first week following chemo. In my defense, all research says to try not to lose weight AND in Duckville we only had one trick or treater!!  I love all of you so very much. Thank you for your love and prayers!
Also, 35 years ago today Mike and I were blessed with 10-pound baby boy. He was and is such a blessing! Happy birthday, Son. We love you very much.

Should have taken the dog!!

I have been dragging my feet when it comes to this update.  I tried a couple of times during the week to get the results of my PET scan, but the doctor deliberately waited until he had us captive in his office.
First of all, my Ki67 score is 35. This is a way to rate the aggression level of cancer. A high score is 24, so I am off the charts. Just like my IQ scores! lol After some home research, we decided that with this high score our doctors made the right decision to begin chemo instead of delaying it with surgery. Also cancer cells considered aggressive also aggressively absorb the very medicine that will kill these bad boy cells. So, frightening at first, the aggressiveness is actually a positive in this, our new lives.  Doc also said that I have the very best cancer possible because it is positive for estrogen receptors. This will be a huge factor in treatment, in curing and in preventing a return. AMEN!! The PET scan lit up on some areas that we had not considered and this was a real shock. Dr. Sehgal said the mass in the left breast lit up as well as the lymph nodes on the the left side. We had expected this so that was no surprise.Some of the lymph nodes under the lungs lit up but the doctor said that it could be inflamation.  My lungs, liver and other organs are clear. There is an area on my spine that showed some activity but it could be caused by the arthritis or the charco that I have been dealing with for some time.
Today I had a bone scan and we are praying that our concerns about the spread of the cancer be alleviated with this test. We have so many of you praying for us I am already thanking God for good results. 
This nightmare unfolded so quickly that we have to stop and force ourselves to catch our breath. No one is guaranteed tomorrow so we have quickly learned to do what we need to do and just live and breathe in the moment. Mike and I are dealing with our cancer with prayer, affection, humor, and at times just hanging on to one another.  We have a huge family and a family of friends who love us and who are praying for us. We not only know this but we can feel the love and prayers.
Thank you and know that we love all of you so very much.