Dear Emily

While Beth was working on her Journalism degree, she really enjoyed her creative writing class.  During that time, about 1995, she wrote a collection of poems that included one titled "Dear Emily".

It's funny how some things come to you when you are journeying through the grief process, and this poem, though I have not read it for years, has been haunting me as late. When the memory came to me I didn't even have to re-read the poem, I remembered all the lines and the theme.  When she wrote the poem, I wondered why she chose such a subject, an old man wandering through his house after losing his wife.  I didn't even want to think of such things. We were in a very good place in our lives, death had not been creeping through our family.  Even Meme Roberts was still with us. Now I am wondering, was it prophetic?  Had God laid a vision in words on my sweet Beth?

Now, she never collected "glass cats" or made doilies, but she is everywhere in our house.

Dear Emily:                             

I know you haven't been gone long.

You must think me a silly old fool to write this soon.

But this old house and this old man both ramble.

All the kids were here over the weekend.

Yes Emily, I gave them all the things on your list.

You remember how quiet it is when they finally leave.

This house is you Emily, and I'm always running into you.

I dusted them thousands of glass cats of yours.

You left your pink slippers by our bed, the ones you needed for your cold feet.

Yesterday I counted all them lacey things you make.

They're lying around on everything, some are hiding holes and stains I never knew were there.

Now don't get mad, I took them plastic covers off the lamps

With the kids grown and the grandkids in college, I figured it was safe enough.

I'm really enjoying the meals you cooked ahead and put in the freezer.

It's good to think you cooked my dinner.

They're about gone.

Fifty-eight, Emily, there's fifty-eight of them lacey things!

Ain't that something?  Next month is our fifty-eighth anniversary.

I sit in the barn just so I don't mess up your rug.

And because you ain't in the barn..

I know Emily, it's "too dusty"  for you.

I'm there now.

The sun's going down and I won't be able to see much longer.

This big old house ain't the same without you and neither is this old man.

Emily, the next time you talk to the Lord, would you tell Him for me that I'm ready?

If He's agreeable maybe we'll get to celebrate our fifty-eighth together.

All my love,  

Stephen  

by Beth Coleman

Good night my sweet Beth

I love you forever

Pappy

Anniversary Season

I am in a season of anniversaries. April 19th; first date 45 years ago, May 20th; marriage 43 years ago, May 29th; Beth's death 1 year ago, June 21st; Beth would have been 63.

I am struggling.

I miss her so much I cannot describe my feelings.

Today the daily Bible Study I subscribe to was:

25 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. 26 Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, 27 dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. 28 And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. 29 No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, 30 since we are part of his body. 31 And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” 32 This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. 33 And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.

Ephesians 5:25-33 | MSG

Ephesians was us.....I, part of her, she, part of me.

Yesterday's Daily Grief message was:

Living God, I want to serve You, not myself. I am only making things worse by focusing on my loss, which in reality is focusing on myself. I confess my self-preoccupation, and I ask that You forgive me and deliver me from my sinful habits. Amen.

So how do I get from "Ephesians 5" to "Don't be preoccupied with my loss"? She was part of me and I part of her!  She permeated every aspect of my life and anything I do reminds me of her. Anything.

Today I got mail. New auto insurance ID cards with her name removed. She is slowly being erased from the world, but she is a still part of me, so each reminder is like a new slice of flesh being removed from me.

In every difficult thing I have had to endure in my life, I had a partner that stood by me, holding my hand and walking beside me. Christ's love through the woman he gave to me as wife.

So how do I get from "Ephesians 5" to "Don't be preoccupied with my loss"? In this season of anniversaries, even the busyness doesn't help. God will bring me out in His time, but right now the well is deep and I am tired.

Pappy

Stone

As I remember us, your words haunt me so.
"You'll find someone new".
As I grieve, I wonder though,
What, in my life, will ensue.

Upon the path yet traveled, thereof
What God will do is unknown,
But all...that I can say, my love,
Is my commitment is carved in stone.

Good night my sweet Beth.
I love you forever.
Pappy

Continuance

After she died, I was amazed,

The sun came up the very next day.

The birds were singing their glorious songs

As if nothing had been going on.

I couldn't imagine that these things would happen,

Because all around, my world was crashing

How could everything just continue on

Didn't they know that she was gone.

The sun came up and the sun went down

The world just kept turning around.

I felt everything was passing me by

Was I alone in wondering why?

And then it happens! A granddaughter's smile,

C'mon Poppy, dance with me a while.

So my feet start moving, down the line

But my heart lags, not wanting to leave that spot in time.

Isn't it known that she is gone?

How can everything just continue on?

Now I seem to be split in time.

Feet moving ahead, heart lagging behind.

I know that one day, through ways that can't be explained,

our Lord will put me together again.

Each day I pray, "help me move along",

Even though she is gone.

Good night my sweet Beth

I love you forever

Pappy

Holidays

Dealing with the Christmas season was much prepared for. For several weeks I read material and discussed with counselors about how to manage the first Christmas without Beth. When it was here, my amazing family and the joy of all the grandchildren, nieces and nephews carried me through all. Christmas is, after all, about the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ and that is bigger than anything. 

New Years caught me off-guard. I have never thought of it as a major event. Just the day when you have to remember to start writing the incremented year on everything, which takes me a month to accomplish.  As I was waiting for the clock to hit midnight, I started thinking about how intimate the holiday was for Beth and I.  We were not ones that would usually party through midnight, not to say we haven't in our younger days. When the clock hit midnight, we would kiss.  She would say "Whatever you are doing at midnight is what you will be doing the rest of the year".  So we made sure we always kissed at midnight. No matter what revelry was around us, we found each other, just her eyes and mine, just her lips and mine.  So last night, for the first time in 44 years, since my first New Years Eve kiss when we were dating, I didn't get that kiss from my beautiful Beth. I sure missed it. We had no quiet conversations about the beginning of the new year and what adventures it might hold for us.

I had not prepared for New Years. It affected me more than I had expected. All worried about Christmas, I ignored New Years. Grief is hard to prepare for anyway, the least thing can set you off.  I have given it all to God, but it sneaks up on you and whacks you hard sometimes. When it hits, I pray for strength to get through. But I sure miss her. Does getting through the grieving process mean that the sound of her laugh, the smell of her hair and the taste of her lips, fade from my mind? I don't want to.

For the past few days, all my daily email devotionals have been about waiting on God.  Be patient, wait on God. That is my plan for the new year. "Be still, and know that I am God".  He knows that there will be times when I will fall apart. I don't have any idea how I can keep all my memories and not come apart, but he does and I will wait on him to show me.

Good night my sweet Beth,
I really missed my New Year's kiss.

Pappy.

Because of her.

Because of her
I learned.
I had her
Because of Him

Because of her
I soared.
I had her
Because of Him

Because of her
I loved.
I had her
Because of Him

Because of her
I was loved.
I had her
Because of Him

Because of Him
I had life.
I lived fully
Because of her.

Good night my sweet Beth, I love you forever.

Pappy

The Chore

As I wander through our house
I continuously say goodbyes,
because of sleep that I resist
but finally closes my eyes.

I review our things collected,
our life in all its glory.
The love we built and cherished
is every item's story.

The clock announces lateness
with each and every chime.
Sleep will finally come,
no matter how I fight the time.

Our bed does not beckon,
but my body says no more.
So I finally succumb
and set out to this chore.

The pillow right beside me,
that replaced you in our bed,
is not of any comfort.
It's lifeless; cold and dead.

I slowly drift away,
much to my disdain.
Tomorrow's dawn is coming
and it will all begin again.


Good Night my sweet Beth. I miss you so much.

All my love, Pappy

Today

If I knew that you would die today

If these words would be our last,

I’d tell you what you mean to me

Before you went on your way.

If I knew that you would die today

I would lie down beside you,

And we’d talk of things that brought us joy

Before you went on your way.

If I knew that you would die today

I would hold you closely to me,

And feel your cheek upon my face

Before you went on your way.

If I knew that you would die today

There would be much to be said

I would say “I love you”, loud and strong

Before you went on your way.

Good night my sweet Beth. I'm such a mess without you.

All my love,

Pappy

Kissed a Clown

Posted here by request.

Kissed a Clown

Some memories bring tears
And some bring smiles
When I think of the years
And remember the miles...

On each other we depended
A blurry line was our span
I never knew where I ended
Or knew where you began

Since from this earth you have gone
My life is so much less
I've never felt so alone
My blurry line fades to nothingness

But I should never forget
When these thoughts get me down
That I was extremely blessed
Because I have kissed a clown

 

Goodnight my sweet Beth.  I would be so good to get white make-up on my face again. 

Pappy 

Treasure

The greatest compliment that Beth ever received was from one of her cousins from Kentucky.  After visiting our house he turned to her and said "Y'all don't need much, do you".  This touched her deeply and she always remembered it, because it was true.  From the very beginning of Mike and Beth all we wanted was, to be together.  We loved God, each other, and our children.

This was not always the case though.  After seven years of marriage we let the world creep in and it resulted in separation and divorce.  I think that God wanted us to realize the real treasure in this world. When we came to our senses and became aware of our loss, we re-married.  That was a dark time in our lives. We forgave each other and just wiped it from our past. With that lesson behind us and the knowledge of real treasure, we resumed our lives.

We have never been a couple to pursue the nicest, biggest house, car, lots of money, etc. Those things were not as important to us as just being together and raising our family.  If that is your dream, it doesn't mean that I am judging you in any way, it was just not for us.  During some of our concerns about income and making ends meet, I would tease her that we may move into a cardboard box in the park but we will still be together. Her sincere reply was; "It doesn't matter. Whenever I hold your hand, I am home. Home is not a place".  She would often remind me of this.  No matter where we were or the circumstances, when she took my hand, she would sigh and say "home".  Especially during the time she was fighting her disease.

Matthew 6:19-21 MSG
"Don't hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or-worse!-stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it is safe from moth rust and burglars. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being."

I know where my treasure is, split between earth and heaven.  My children and grandchildren here on earth and my sweet Beth in heaven.  I have all my hope in Christ Jesus so that again I will have a day, when she takes my hand, sighs and says "home".

Good night my sweet Beth. My treasure.

Pappy

Coffee

My coffee and your kiss,
our morning routine, I miss
and from my mind, what never slips
is the loving feel of your lips.
It isn't the coffee, that was just an excuse,
to steal another taste of you.

Somehow writing stupid stuff like this helps.

Good night my sweet Beth. Its another day without you.

Pappy

Fun Day!

We had a fun morning.  Grandchildren number 1, 3 and 6 came to our house for a little while.  I had promised to set up the Hot Dog Stand last time they were here, so we got it out.

 

This time, along with the usual pretend food, we had some real treats served from the stand.

The menu included #1's banana sandwiches with peanut butter and cherries with peanut butter. Also  #3's special  recipe of Scooby snacks (graham crackers) with peanut butter. His recipe of a Scooby snack sandwich with a lifesaver mint filling was not popular.

All was going good until they started asking for real money for the real snacks!!!!!  Ahh....young entrepreneurs. Yeah..... that didn't work out for them. Good try though!

Good night my sweet Beth.  The waves are high and sometimes I feel I might drown.

Pappy

Happy Birthday #6

Today was #6's third birthday.  When I asked what she would like for her birthday, her Dad said anything Doc McStuffins.  Well, am I out of touch with the newest children's programming or what. I had to look that up. With the Heather's help I was able to come up with some gifts.  It was quite the party at a local pizza/game place in Corpus Christi as you can see from the pics.

Birthday Girl blowing out the candles

There was also a lot of funny faces;

Happy Birthday #6. Your Pappy and Meme love you.

Good night my sweet Beth, I really missed you today.

Pappy

And then there was one.

The weekend ended. We braved pirate attacks, watched dolphins, petted puffer fish, went surfing, swam in the canal and had a birthday party.  What a weekend!  But something is just not right.  She should be rocking beside me, sipping coffee that was delivered with a kiss, and discussing the weekend. How do I recover from her loss? I fear that I might become the sad old man that no one wants to be around, if it weren't for my incredible family.  Even in their own grief, they lift me up.

Today I hung back just because, well, just because I can. I'm retired, yeah.  We like to try and do some maintenance at the house so that it is ready for Steve and Mel, when they come down. It is very quiet.  As I was doing a little cleaning, not much to do as the kids cleaned everything before they left, I discovered these and it gave me quite a lift.

 

Can you see them?  Hand prints, nose prints, all sorts and at every height.  I hated to wipe them away.  Every grandkid, pressed against the glass watching for dolphins in the canal or waving at passing boats.  I could almost put numbers 1-7 on them as to which grandkid made them.  Soon as #8 starts walking there will be another set.

Thank you family for an incredible weekend and thank you God for an incredible family.

Good night my sweet Beth. We all miss you so much.

Pappy

 

 

Happy Birthday Beth

So yesterday we celebrated Beth's birthday.  She would have been 62 years old.  The grandkids decided we should have a party for Meme and so my daughter, in her usual creative fashion, arranged it.  She made cupcakes with rainbow icing  and everyone got a candle in theirs.  It was a good time remembering her.  She sure is missed by all.

We did things that we have done in the past that Meme loved to do; the dolphin cruise, the beach and discovering small creatures in the floating seaweed.  The grandkids even started their own aquarium with the crabs and shrimp they found.  She would of had great fun.

She made fun of me when I bought my last surfboard, an 8ft soft top. I told her it was for the grandkids to which she would repeat in a mockingly sarcastic way; "It's for the grandkids" all in fun.  But I did get to use the board for the purpose it was intended. Wish she was here to see.

Good night my sweet Beth.  I miss you so.

Pappy

Happy Father's Day

No better way celebrate Father's day than with some pictures from deep in the archives!

Beth and I maintained a dark room for quite a while. We both enjoyed taking pictures and then developing the film and printing the photographs.  The result was a lot of negatives that never got printed.  We saved all of these.  So these are never before seen pictures, some of which got passed up during the printing process.  One is from a print.  I know there are more negatives somewhere.

 

My beautiful wife Beth, she didn't like me to try to get artsy with her, but I like the results, 'cept Pete crept into the background.

Her mom's smile.

 

He was born with wheels.

  

He still does this at least once a day.

God, through my best friend and wife Beth Coleman, sure put together a great family.

Good night my sweet Beth. I miss you so much.

Pappy.

 

Talking about Rainbows

I feel that I can talk about this now.  I've had a while to think about it and received spiritual guidance from some very special people.

There are some groups that have decided to use the rainbow as a symbol of their cause, a badge of their sinfulness. God's glory, however, will not be corrupted. 

We needed to be at the viewing early on Saturday, May 31, about 3:00pm.  Just in case Beth needed her hair adjusted or there was something we wanted changed.  We made some minor adjustments and she was ready for the the viewing from 6:00-8:00pm. Two of the grandchildren had made drawings and they placed them in the casket next to Meme. Our sweet little #4 drew two hearts on piece of paper and colored the center of each with different colors.  She said that they were "Rainbow Hearts"

 We had to run to Bayside (about 20 miles) to close the deal on our new real estate (at the cemetery).  We returned to the Funeral Home just before 6:00 pm.  As we pulled into the parking space, which faces east, there appeared before us a very large rainbow. 

It was full, 180deg, end to end and very bright. The picture doesn't do it justice. It took our breath because it was so striking.  Now we do get rainbows in South Texas, but we have limited rainfall and rainbows are not rare but I would call them not usually seen.  Everyone there saw it.  My brother and his wife drove in from the coast a little later and said "Did you see the rainbow?  It was a double one!"  From their viewing angle it was two complete stacked rainbows.  That is rare.  There were comments from several people, about Beth sending us a sign that everything is alright.




The next few days there were a lot of rainbows spotted by family members. This is very unusual.

The rainbows ended on June 3rd with this text message exchange:

June 3, 2014 8:52am (Jeremy) More from mom this morning...(with attached pictures of rainbows)

June 3, 2014 (Jeremy) #5 said: "meme gave us those rainbows because she loves us"

 

June 3, 2014 11:33am (Heather)  #4 and I saw them too!  She said that it was because God and meme were happy with her card she made her.  She was so excited

Heather explained that #4 had been real sad that morning as they drove to summer camp and was missing her Meme.  When she saw the rainbow it brought her out of her sadness.  The rainbow disappeared and that upset her again.  But Heather said that the rainbow re-appeared behind them. They had actually driven through the rainbow!

Then this exchange on June 4:

June 4, 2014 8:57am (Pappy) Working today? (To Jeremy)

June 4, 2014 8:57am (Jeremy) Yeah,

June 4, 2014 9:02am (Jeremy) Yessir.  I scanned the skyline all the way to work hoping to see a rainbow, but I know it will be when we need it most

 

June 4, 2014 9:10am (Heather) Looking at the blog again. #1 and #3 drew her with rainbows :)

June 4, 2014 11:29am (Pappy) Are the drawings posted somewhere?

June 4, 2014 11:33am (Heather) You posted them on meme-pappy pudding. You must have the original paintings too

I had forgot that #1 and #3 gave Meme paintings for Mother's day, just a few days before she left.  I posted them on this blog and the originals were there right beside me, waiting to be hung on the wall. That was the tipping point.  From the hands of and out of the mouths of our Grandchildren.  Glory to God!

  
Now, I am not one to look for signs from beyond the grave and I cannot judge those that do.  But I cannot ignore these events. Do I think this is from Beth? I know that our God is big enough to do anything and I do know a rainbow is God's Promise.

"I'm putting my rainbow in the clouds, a sign of the covenant between me and the earth" Genesis 9:13 MSG.
"And God said, "This is the sign of the covenant that I've set up between me and everything living on the Earth."" Genesis 9:17 MSG.

We are told we should have faith like a child:

"Mark this: Unless you accept God's Kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get
in." Luke 18:17 MSG

"For an answer Jesus called over a child, whom he stood in the middle of the room and said, I'm telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in." Matthew 18:2-3

"The people brought children to Jesus, hoping he might touch them.  The disciples shooed them off.  But Jesus was irate and let them know it:  "Don't push these children away.  Don't ever get between them and me.  These children are at the very center of life in the kingdom.  Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never get in. Then, gathering the children up in his arms , he laid his hands of blessing on them."  Mark 10:13-16

 

 So if my little grandchildren say the rainbows are from their Meme and gain comfort in their sorrow, then I believe. How can I not. They have no doubt that the rainbows were from their Meme, pure faith.

I know this, I will NEVER look at a rainbow in the same way again.  I will immediately begin praising God and thank him for the life that was Beth (Meme) Coleman.  Rainbows will be a good topic of discussion when I get to see her again.

Good night my sweet Beth.  I miss you a lot.

Pappy